I think in many respects, I owe all my friends an apology for compulsively lying to them all the time. Every time one of them asks, “How are you doing?”, “Are you OK?” or something similar, I respond, “I’m doing OK.” Same with the folks at church, on campus, my family, especially my mum who calls everyday to see how I’m coping. They ask, I give my form answer.

Late last year, I was diagnosed with full-scale depression. I’d had a minor depressive disorder before that, but recently it’s been a complete struggle to cope. I’m in my first year at university and to be really honest, I don’t feel I fit in. I get up in the morning, go to lectures, hit the library, go to campus fellowships, even have “friends” here, but for all that, I don’t feel like I belong. And that’s the case anywhere – home, church, family. I’m pretty much an outlier (maths folks will know what that is)

In the past couple of months, I’ve found myself asking the question, “What is wrong with me?” Why, at age 19, am I crippled by shyness and feelings of inferiority? Why do I detach myself from folks who mean well? Why do I prefer my own company to being with friends? Why do I have friends in the first place?

Sometimes I feel like such a fraud, hiding behind books and theology and not being honest with who I truly am. I feel like I look in the mirror in the morning and don’t see the same person everyone else does – to be honest, I’m having a crisis of identity and I know the theologically correct answer, but it’s far from a reality.

The only comfort I take from any of this is that God is indeed at work. He is the Potter who sits at the wheel and fashion something out of nothing. Maybe this is just a season I have to work through. Maybe this is like a test – if it is, then it would seem like I’m failing…

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